Relately

25Jan07

When I became a vegetarian I quit eating cold turkey.

I like Lance Armstrong but shouldn’t his name be Lance Legstrong?

Lance Armstrong would be a great name for an Olympic javelin thrower.

I walked a mile in his shoes. I knocked his socks off and sued the pants off him. I made him give me the shirt off his back. Then he tossed his hat in the ring. I really wanted that hat too.

I meditated in front of the TV until I achieved total brand consciousness.

Let it be. Let it be. Let what be? There will be an answer? We’re waiting.

What insurance companies call ‘coverage,’ it’s a good thing they’re not in the roofing business. And they call your debt to them a ‘premium,’ and their obligations to you ‘benefits.’ They probably call their bowel movements ‘door prizes.’

I like when I’m reading along and suddenly I see the the word (sic) in parentheses. That means (a) the editor thinks what the guy was writing was sick and (b) the editor doesn’t know how to spell. How low is the bar for copy editors these days?

They say I’m the salt of the earth. What planet are you the salt of?

Everyone thinks I’m insincere, but it’s just an act.