Obsession
In honor of Boing Boing‘s continued obsession with you-know-what, I give you the new Boing Boing logo.
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Whata Heck?
Identify photo:
a. Cute one-armed girl tries on her daddy’s shirt.
b. Corpse of slain girl partially covered with father’s shirt.
c. Homeless girl wrapped in lumpy blanket.
d. NY Times lead front page graphic link to Fashion Section.
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Ingravy Train
A bird in the hand is worth flipping at Bush.
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I need someone to assure me that broth does not come from brothels.
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Vehicles made from gravy: train, boat. No aircraft?
If God intended gravy to fly He would not have put pie in the sky. A gravy jet is not something you would want to be around in your good clothes either.
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Who wants to go on a junket? Who thought up that name? Is that reverse psychology or marketing department melt down?
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I told Jack Frost look, you nip at my nose one more time and it’s gonna come to blows pal. It’s cold out here and I am in no mood.
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She said there is no excuse for that. I said there’s no excuse for there not being an excuse for everything. I blame poverty of the imagination. She said that’s just an excuse. I said excuse me?
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If I had a nickle for every time I said if I had a nickle for every time I said that, I’d stand there and say that all day.
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Shouldn’t ingraved mean buried? As in, “Uncle Walt died. We’re having him ingraved on Monday.”
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Relately
When I became a vegetarian I quit eating cold turkey.
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I like Lance Armstrong but shouldn’t his name be Lance Legstrong?
Lance Armstrong would be a great name for an Olympic javelin thrower.
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I walked a mile in his shoes. I knocked his socks off and sued the pants off him. I made him give me the shirt off his back. Then he tossed his hat in the ring. I really wanted that hat too.
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I meditated in front of the TV until I achieved total brand consciousness.
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Let it be. Let it be. Let what be? There will be an answer? We’re waiting.
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What insurance companies call ‘coverage,’ it’s a good thing they’re not in the roofing business. And they call your debt to them a ‘premium,’ and their obligations to you ‘benefits.’ They probably call their bowel movements ‘door prizes.’
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I like when I’m reading along and suddenly I see the the word (sic) in parentheses. That means (a) the editor thinks what the guy was writing was sick and (b) the editor doesn’t know how to spell. How low is the bar for copy editors these days?
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They say I’m the salt of the earth. What planet are you the salt of?
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Everyone thinks I’m insincere, but it’s just an act.
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Extrememe
My new year’s resolution is 72 dpi.
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Do the keyboards in prison have escape keys?
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Whoever made up the word assassin put the word ‘ass’ in there twice. I’ll bet they killed that guy. What was he thinking?
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I’m going to put you in a world of Al Hirt. I hope you like trumpet.
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FDA now claims cloned beef is safe to eat. My question is did they clone the E. coli? Is it still unsafe to eat?
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Fitzgerald’s first draft was called The Lousy Gatsby. In this one Gatsby was gay and had no interest in Daisy at all. He liked some of her clothes. And he called everyone ‘sweetie’ instead of ‘old sport.’ Publisher made him straighten it up.
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You can’t actually practice moderation in moderation. It’s really all or nothing. It’s extreme, dude.
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You can be average, but you can’t be too average.
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Old Anxiety
I cannot tolerate intolerance except for this one instance.
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You have to break a few eggs to make a mayonnaise joke. And for all your trouble the thing’s not even funny. Fucking mayonnaise.
And what kind of family name is Hellman? Their ancestors were from hell? And they want everyone to know? And now they make mayonnaise? You can’t make this stuff up.
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Ironically, the word ubiquitous hardly ever comes up.
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They put the fire alarm switch behind a little glass pane to discourage pranksters from pulling it for kicks. Then they give you a little hammer to break the glass. Are they kidding? That’s like a bonus to a prankster.
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I can wane poetic.
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Throw Another Blog on the Fire
Astrophysicists do it with black holes.
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I admit I have trouble making commitments, just don’t quote me on that.
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My pugilist hit me up for a raise. I said nice fist. You make that yourself?
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I think my girlfriend is faking her sarcasms. I said you can’t hide your rolling eyes. She said oh yea sure, you are so right. But I don’t think she meant it.
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I finished wrapping my Christmas peasants, but they keep ripping the paper and breaking back out. What’s a Lord and Master to do?
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I have schadenfreudecake. It’s the sick pleasure one gets giving fruitcakes instead of gifts.
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I’m not half bad. But my other half is.
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Symptomy
I deny ever visiting the Holocaust Museum.
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Whenever life gets me down I always try to knee life in the crotch, or if I can work my arm free, I’ll try the two-finger eye poke. Then when life reels back in agony I might just feel a little better.
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I can’t decide which way to plode.
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I put in an honest day’s work, I still get paid in filthy lucre.
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If Tony Hawk was a witch would he ride a whisk broom?
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I don’t make mistakes. I screw things up on purpose.
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I’m not safe for work.
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Omnibust
I just read a really good bookmark.
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She said don’t flatter yourself. I said yea but if you want something done right.
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I believe that marriage is an affront to the institution of bachelorhood.
Bachelorhood is defined as the union between one man and one compact disc collection. All these heterosexual ‘couples’ insist on flaunting their lifestyle. I’m disgusted by it.
God is a bachelor.
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The good thing about heroin is it’s not a gateway drug.
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I grow weapons grade geraniums.
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I have enough rope.
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